Mike's Dad

I am actually pretty good at telling stories and I am actually pretty terrible at writing them!--so please bear with me.
I have always been very open about my life and where I've come from so I feel that it is appropriate to share this story here.
You may or may not know that I basically grew up with out a father. I met my dad for the first time when I was about 14 years old. I went and spent one week week with him that summer and then I went to visit him again for spring break the following year. I took the bus from my home in Southern California up to where he lived in Reno, Nevada. When I arrived at the bus station I was greeted by two girls that introduced themselves as my cousins--my dad's brother's daughter and her step sister and I ended up spending the week with their family instead of my dad--my cousin Kristi was 1 year younger than me and we spent the entire week hanging out. My dad was in a rehab clinic that was court ordered while I was there on my visit--he had some struggles with alcohol that led to him having some struggles with the law. During my visit I was able to visit him at the rehab clinic one time for about an hour--that was the last time I ever saw him. We wrote a few letters back and forth over the next year and we spoke on the phone once or twice. The last time that I ever spoke to my dad was on New Years Eve 1989. I called to talk to him a few months after that and I was told that he had violated his probation and he was in jail.
My feeling at the time was basically-- when he gets out he can come and track me down. I guess I was basically numb from not having a father for all of those years so it didn't cause me much grief to have lost him again. I had good feelings towards him from the time we spent together but I also felt that it was his responsibility to come and find me if he wanted to have a relationship with me. I have always looked at my life from the perspective of feeling grateful for what I do have rather than feeling sorry for myself because of what I don't have. I also know that growing up the way that I did made me the person, husband, and father that I am today and honestly I am pretty satisfied with who I am.
Periodically, over the years, I have felt the desire to try to find my dad again--his name is Patrick Smith and his brother's name is Mike Smith so as you can imagine whenever I did a Google search there were a million people with those names. Sometimes I would look for a week or two and then give up--my efforts were half hearted at best--I never really felt a sense of urgency in regards to finding him--it just didn't feel right in my mind or in my heart, but this year I was determined that I would find him and let him know that he has three grand kids and tell him what I've been up to these past 20 years. I thought it would be great for him to be able to sit down at a computer for a couple of hours and look at all of the posts on this blog. I wanted for him to be able to meet Amber and the kids and come and see our home.
Last week my friend Camille suggested that I try to find my cousin Kristi rather than her dad or my dad--I roughly knew where she grew up and that she was one year younger than me. I found a Kristi Smith from Sparks, Nevada on facebook and I sent her a message she replied in a couple of days and it wasn't the right person. This past weekend I went onto classmates.com and I found one that graduated from a high school in Sparks in 1993 and it had her married name as well, so on Monday I found her on facebook and sent her a message. A couple of hours later I got this reply:

"Hi Mike! Yes, I am your cousin and I'm so glad to hear from you! As strange as it may sound, I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering how I would ever go about getting in touch with you. Will you please call me when you get a chance? My number is; 775-771-XXXX. If you would rather I call you since it is long distance, please send me your number and I'll be sure to call you back."
As you can imagine I felt a lot of different emotions when I got her message. I was excited and a little nervous, I wondered why there was no mention of my dad in her e-mail. I called her right away and left her a voice mail with my contact info. She called me later that night and we talked about our families and lives and that sort of thing for about 15 minutes (she saw pictures of my kids on my facebook page and was very impressed by how cute they are--as is everyone that sees them!)--we definitely bonded during that week that I spent with her family back in 1989 and it was great to be in touch with her again--so after catching up she asked if I had any idea why she didn't just send me the contact info for my dad in her message. I told her that I thought perhaps he was deceased (I had actually felt that that might be the case for the last couple of years) she confirmed that he had passed away 5 years ago next month--he died from natural causes that resulted from the life style that he led--liver damage etc. She had said how sorry she was and that she had never had to break that kind of news to anyone before I thanked her and told her that I was very excited to be in touch with her again and that I am very interested in learning about our family and that I would be in touch soon. She made a point of telling me that my dad did love me very much but he was ashamed of his lifestyle and did not feel right about trying to find me because of it. She offered to send me pictures that she and her dad have of him and I told her that I would greatly appreciate that.
I hung up and filled Amber in on our conversation--as she always has been Amber was 100% supportive and understanding. Next, I went for a long walk and thought about things. It has taken me a few days to really work through my thoughts and feeling about this situation. Overall, I feel that this was the way it should have been. If I would have gotten in contact with him sooner perhaps I would have had issues and negative feelings about him--I really don't and I consider that a great blessing. I take a lot of comfort in the fact that he passed away before any of my children were born--if he would have died in the last few years I would feel terrible that he never got to see or know about his Grand Kids. Obviously I feel a sense of loss--and those feelings are complicated to say the least.
I feel a great sense of anticipation in regards to getting to know his side of my family. I am also feeling a sense of peace in regards to knowing for the first time in such a long time where he is. I am very excited that in a month I will be able to do his Temple work. Overall, it is what it is--I'm a little sad, a little mad, and mostly glad. I really think that it worked out the way that it was supposed to--he made his choices in life and I made mine--if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything diffrently. The main thing is to be greatful for what we do have and not worry about the things we don't.